The Alchemist and the Pantless Wonder
by Annabeth Zatsune
Summary: Edward, a rookie Weapon Meister, goes in search of the legendary Holy Sword, Excalibur. Nothing good comes from that. Story is better than the summary, just read it.


Looking from the book and back, Edward nodded. This was the right way.

But as he approached the cliff, he sighed. He wasn't feeling up to Alchemy that day, but he also didn't really want to climb. Sighing again, he put his hands together and clapped them to the ground.

Edward Elric was a rookie Weapon Meister at the DWMA. Everyone laughed at him when he screwed up, even his own weapon, Winry Rockbell. She was a powerful and large wrench. She was convenient to swing and knock out the enemy, but when it came to actually catching the bad-guy, they had some trouble. The only one that didn't really laugh was Crona, but then again, he was practically always silent.

One day in the library, Edward had happened upon a book about the legendary Holy Sword, Excalibur. With it, he thought, no one would ever laugh at him again! They would all hasten to become his friend or stay on his good side! Even the big-talking Black*Star!

Black*Star and Death the Kid had both attempted to master Excalibur, but both had failed. If he succeeded, he could rub it in their arrogant faces! He smiled slightly at the thought.

The pillar of stone he'd made finished growing, and he jumped into the water. "I hate water. It makes my limbs all stiff and rusty!" he whined, splashing through the clear water.

The cave was large and green. Stalactites hung from the ceiling and stalagmites jutted up from the ground, looking bizarrely like fangs. "Dang it, this better be worth all the trouble- And water! I hate water and being wet!" he yelled, shaking his head as more water dripped onto his golden hair.

Suddenly, a small glow appeared in the dark before him. "Could that be...?" he wondered.

The light came closer as he stood still. A smidgen scared, he took a hesitant step back.

The light was very small now, so he relaxed. As it came even closer, he saw the light was only the faint glow outlining a small figure. It was a little fairy. "Ooh! You're pretty!" he exclaimed, letting her perch on his finger.

She giggled, blushing slightly. "Thank you very much, mister!"

"This is the way to the Holy Sword, right? I mean, it's like, up ahead?" he asked.

"Geh..." The fairy made a face, nodded slightly, and flew off.

"What... was that about?" he wondered. "Well, she said yes..."

Still sloshing through the water, he continued. "I hate water, I hate water, I hate water..." he chanted softly to himself as he went.

Soon enough, he saw another light. Only this one stayed still and was much larger.

"Alright! About time!" he cheered, picking up the pace.

The golden light illuminated a raised stone platform. In the dead center of the platform was a large golden sword. "Wow... It's amazing..." Ed admired, almost hesitating before grabbing it's hilt and yanking it from the stone.

"Edward Elric!" boomed a deep voice with a heavy accent.

The sword glowed brightly. He released it and covered his eyes. "Oh, wow, how..." he started, uncovering his eyes.

"... incredibly lame and pathetic-looking." he finished. "Are you Excalibur?"

"I am Excalibur! My legend begins in the twelfth century!" the thing before him boomed.

"You sound an awful lot like Armstrong..." Ed said suspiciously, thinking of the amazingly annoying shirtless-wonder. "Only you'd be the pantless-wonder."

"Fool! Pick a number, one through twelve!"

"Uhh... I don't..."

"Fool! Let me recount my legend, starting-"

"Look, I don't really care when your legend started or anything about it! I just came to-"

"Fool!"

"Oi! Get that cane outta my face, shrimp!" he snarled, swatting the stick away.

"Fool, you call me short! Look at yourself!"

"Who in the hell are you calling a microscopic pee-wee that you couldn't see among all the bacteria and other cells on the slide, freak?" Ed yelled. "And quit calling me a freaking fool! That's what you are, fool!"

"Fool! My legend starts-"

"In the twelfth century, I know! Now shut up about it, nit-wit!"

"Fool!"

Excalibur became a sword again. "Become my Meister and you'll have fame and glory!" he boomed.

"Wow!" Ed squealed, reaching up and grabbing the hilt. "You really are a fool!" he said with determination, driving the blade into the ground. "Oh, yuck, back to the water."

Excalibur cried lamely after him. "Oh, shut up, you pantless freakish fool! I don't give a damn about when your legend started or anything! It would take a hero to master you, you're so obnoxious! I just decided I prefer Winry! Even though she nags me and hits me all the time, she at least cooks for me, tends to my wounds and auto-mail and doesn't annoy the crap outta me like you do!" Ed yelled back angrily.

Excalibur didn't shut up, instead calling after him until he could no longer hear the desperate pleas.

Edward stomped and splashed back through the water, grumbling about how Winry was gonna kill him for letting his arm and leg get so rusty.

"So, did you meet him?"

He looked up to see the pretty fairy. "What?" he asked.

"Did you meet Excalibur?" she asked again.

"Geh... He's so obnoxious! How do you live with him?" he wondered.

"I avoid him. You'd better do the same, mister!" she giggled.

"Good idea. Thanks for the advice. Bye, fairy!" he smiled, waving as he sloshed his way out.

When he got out of the green cave, he sighed, looking back at it. "I really should seal this thing up. That way no one can every have the crap annoyed out of them by him ever again! But then the cave would flood... And that fairy is in there... I pity any poor sap that ever decides to go after him! Who even wrote this damn book?"

Curious, he pulled the book out of his coat and turned it over to find the author.

"Y-you gotta be kidding... I shoulda known it was too good to be true..." he said, his voice strained as he stared at the script. "He wrote this book about himself... Fool, none of this is true!" he yelled, jumping onto his stone pillar and heading back to Death City.

"Edward Elric!" Winry bawled upon his arrival. "Where have you been? You're sopping wet! Your auto-mail is gonna rust! Get dried off this instant!"

"I've been in the cave of the pantless-wonder, Excalibur. He's _sooo_ obnoxious!" he groaned, grabbing a towel.

"You went after a different Weapon?" Winry screeched, whacking him sharply on the head.

"No... I just wanted to look..." he lied.

After his beating, he sighed. "Much better than Excalibur!" he smiled, laying back on the bed.


End file.
